Zachariah 4:10

Ever been so full that you can't sleep? The feeling of extreme fulfillment not from food but from self-accomplishment. That's me tonight. It's 3:11 AM and I've been up every hour since about 10. I hosted my first event yesterday and man does it have me feeling like the world is mine and everything in it.

I took the summer off this year- and I'm going to write that one more time because what!!?? Yes, I took the whole summer off without pay to reset and recenter and I ended up with a website and monthly events and a decluttered closet and some real time for me and God to hash out some doubts that could've been relieved a long time ago if I'd found the time to open my Bible. My kids and I have had some tough conversations and some much needed us time. My husband is now officially Superman. I've always known that I could count on him but being able to fully financially and emotionally lean on someone when you don't have an income or a real clue of what's next without them breaking a sweat or hesitating to accommodate your every crazy want and every single basic need is something I'll hold him on a pedestal for forever. He's been the push I've never had to do all the things I have only dreamed about without me having to be all vulnerable and speak on my cobwebbed desires. He has this thing where he just knows and I'm pretty sure he's God's reward to me for something I had no idea I did- but I'm glad I did it because he's the best man I've ever given any of my time to.

Back to me not being able to sleep for more than an hour at a time tonight. I've struggled with putting myself out there as a success and person of go to for motivation for many years even though it's always been on my heart to leap into the motivational help avenue since I was a kid. I've always had a yearning to create a community that felt like one that I lacked when I needed not just help but a friend. I hosted a Journal Exchange which is a gathering where everyone brings a journal to gift to someone else. Everyone brings something and leaves with something is the concept. I'd had this event planned on paper for years but had talked myself out of it out of fear of failure. Being off work, I've been able to go through things like old journals and see just how much I have written as hopes that have manifested and become my reality. From finance, to my love life, to my career, to the things I've wanted to provide for my children. I've ameliorated my entire life using pen and paper.

Even in the making alot of things reality, honestly I have a long list of things that are pretty awesome that I've told myself I couldn't or wouldn't ever be able to make more than pen-led dreams. Having a sometimes labile mind-I'll have an epic idea and then talk myself out of it. Thankfully, before my summer leave started, I convinced myself that the worse thing I could do while enjoying my summer was to just chill. I challenged myself to put action to my plans. No excuses- I would do things scared and they would be whatever they were supposed to be. I would do my part to the best of my ability. And here I am. I did it.

I posted the event for ten people to reserve and ended up with 14 women reserving their spots with a $5 deposit within an hour. I was blown tf away. Like yall really want to spend time with imposter syndrome having me. I was mind blown and filled with so much gratitude for the full 3 weeks that led up to the event. Yesterday was "If You Want It, Write It Journal & Pen Exchange" day. Of the 14 reservations 4 women actually showed up. I'm numbers minded so yes I know that's only about 30%, but it filled me 1000% to see even one person make the time to make my goal of creating a community for women a reality and pushing through whatever those 3 weeks that followed reserving their spot threw at them just to make it to see me.

I could explode right now from the fullness I feel, still- the event ended 12 hours ago. We had such a good time just talking and laughing and trying each other's food. Like you would've thought we were family the way things flowed. We completed my Exchange game and all spoke a little about ourselves and picked a gift to take home. I have my spew that I'd rehearsed in my head for about 21 days and it was nothing like I planned but everything it needed to be. The butterflies I had flew with so much grace and every word I spoke was better than I could've imagined. I had prepared the week before the event by writing the goals I had for it. Things like ease of comfort in the room, boldness not just for me but those who attended, and for the gifts that were randomly chosen to be chosen by the person who would gain the most from each. I didn't think about having a full house while writing lol but maybe that was left off for a reason. The setting was so intimate and I didn't expect that especially with all the jitters I carried up until the event started. I'm so amped and now that I've done it once I know I can execute and deliver again.

Crazy how I sat on this hunch for so long and it wasn't as hard or as impossible as I'd made myself believe. I can't lie, a full house would've been great but I got all that I needed from the few that came. Makes me remember a scripture I read while reading the book of John: If you ask anything in my name I will do it. I asked for an auspicious event and God gave me the success that was needed from it even though it may not have been how I envisioned the success to look. Yesterday was all that I needed it to be. Laying her in the wee hours of the morning, I can feel the metamorphosis within myself. Yesterday boosted my confidence and heck- it even got me to write this blog post that I've been needing for my site for 2 weeks now. God knows what he's doing and he proves it every time.

Do not despise these small beginnings- Zechariah 4:10. Thank you, God 💜